The Forgotten Swan

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The Forgotten Swan

Post by TYANDANNA126 on Wed Mar 05, 2014 12:35 pm

Prologue

Ty was walking to his room when he heard music. He followed the music to an empty room, seeing a beautiful young female android. Her pink ballet slippers revealed she was an experienced dancer. A streak of white in her strawberry blonde hair caught his eye, it made her stand out. He walked over to her, making sure not to disturb her. He takes her hand and dances with her, smiling. For some reason, she made him complete. He looks at her and she's staring at him with a gentle smile.
They stopped and stood there before she spoke, "Hello..."
"Hi," Ty smiled nervously, unsure what to do.
"I'm Anna and you are?," she giggles.
He smiled, "I'm Ty."
Later, Ty went to an important meeting. Commander Nebula stood with two girls, one was Anna and the other had platinum blonde hair.
"My fellow rangers, in three years I will retire from Star Command," Nebula said, everyone was whispering to each other as he continued, "And Elsa will take my place as the first female cyborg commander of Star Command."
Most of the rangers cheered in excitement, Ty look at one of his fellow rangers and asked,"Who's the girl next to Elsa?"
"That's her little sister, Anna. She's just the spare," the tangea scoffed.
Ty stood there in shock, "Spare?" He thought for a moment, those words echoing through his mind, "She's just the spare." Is she really just the spare? Ty sympathized with her, Buzz was always the hero while he was just the spare. Maybe he's just the man who can show her the true swan inside her.
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Updated and fixed version Embarassed
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Last edited by tyandanna126 on Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:51 am; edited 6 times in total (Reason for editing : Fixing some mistakes)
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Re: The Forgotten Swan

Post by TYANDANNA126 on Wed Mar 05, 2014 12:35 pm

Chapter 1

Anna walked through the halls of Star Command, looking for her new companion Ty. Ty walked up to her with a smile, "Hiya, Anna."
"Hi, Ty," she smiled as they walked together to the cafeteria for lunch.
"So your sister is going to lead Star Command after the Commander retires?," he asked, trying to make conversation.
Anna nodded, "Yea she is. My parents are very proud of her."
Ty looked at her as they got in line and picked their lunch. How could someone like Anna not be noticed by anyone.
"You know I have a ballet performance tonight. Will you come to support me?," she looked at him. He thought for a minute and smiled, "Of course!"
"Great! It's starts at 7 at 'The Blue Flower' theater on Capital Planet," she smiled.
He couldn't help but chuckle, "I'll be there."
Ty walked into the auditorium of the Blue Flower theater with his ticket and sat down. Soon people began pouring in to see the performance.
Anna got on stage and began dancing to the music of Swan Lake, he noticed that she didn't have a partner, everyone watched in amazement. She danced and danced, feeling like she was the only one in the room. As soon as she finished, people stood up and applauded in excitement including Ty.
Anna looked at Ty and waves at him, smiling. He was practically perfect in every way and he couldn't agree more.
After the performance, Ty walked over to her, holding a pink rose. "Hey Anna," he smiled.
She turned and smiled as she took the rose, "Hey, Ty."  
He noticed that she seemed a bit sad and sighed, "What's wrong, Anna?"
"No one from my family came to see me perform," she whimpered.
Ty held her close as she looked into her eyes.
A dark shadow appeared behind them and hissed at Ty.
They looked up to see NOS-4-A2 glaring at them.
Ty was about to fight him, but Anna stopped him.
"Parsec? What are you doing with Anna?," he hisses.
Ty glared, "I came to see her performance."
"Ty," Anna spoke as he looked at her, "Meet my father, NOS-4-A2."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Updated and fixed version Embarassed


Last edited by tyandanna126 on Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:51 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The Forgotten Swan

Post by Senior Doctor Thalassi on Sat Apr 26, 2014 7:19 am

Alright, I'm going to start this whole shebang off by admitting that I have never heard of "Princess Tutu" before now, so that will be coloring my review of this.

First off, the overall grammar and pacing; the biggest thing I see is the need for more paragraphs. You have a good start by starting a new paragraph with each new scene, but it's not quite enough. The rule here is that you should start a new paragraph every time the focus shifts from one character to another, for example, every time a different character speaks in dialogue. So, using an excerpt from the prologue:
They stopped and stood there before she spoke, "Hello..." "Hi," Ty smiled nervously, unsure what to do. "I'm Anna and you are?," she giggles, he smiled, "I'm Ty."

It should instead look like this:
They stopped and stood there before she spoke, "Hello..."

"Hi," Ty smiled nervously, unsure what to do.

"I'm Anna and you are?," she giggles.

He smiled, "I'm Ty."

As you might be able to see here, the purpose of this rule is to prevent text from getting crammed together, thus making it easier for the reader to keep up and not lose their place or get confused about who's doing/saying what.

As for the pacing, I feel like you should probably slow it down, especially the romance. Your prologue reads more like a proper first chapter, for example, with everything that's going on in it. And the romance...I don't know, kissing someone you just met a few days ago seems way too fast for me, especially if it's supposed to be actual love and not just attraction (if it is still just attraction at this point, though, I'll be curious to see how you develop this).

Now for the rest of this review, I'll be going into a bit more detail and focusing on each chapter.

For the prologue, Nebula's announcement as a whole just bugs me, for two reasons. First of all, that's...not exactly how things work in a military structure. Generally, in order to be eligible for commanding a unit or base of any size, you need to be a member of the organization that unit/base is a part of (in this case, the Space Ranger Corps) and be of a high enough rank. Nebula isn't just in charge of Star Command, he's in charge of the entire corps; for Elsa to be able to take his place, she'd need to be a Space Ranger with a very high rank, and to have the necessary rank, she'd need to have been a Space Ranger for a pretty long time--which, with her being an android, would contradict with the canon of XR being the first robot ranger.

Which leads to the second thing that bugs me about this, Elsa being an android and Nebula being nonchalant about it. It's stated time and again in the show that Nebula does NOT like robots. Sure, there's XR, but he's the exception to the rule, and even then, any shows of affection Nebula has for him are rare. So the chances of Nebula allowing a robot to take control of the Space Rangers is...honestly, slim to none.

If you want Elsa to be able to take Nebula's place, there are two things I would suggest. One, make her a Space Ranger (or, if she already is a Space Ranger, make it a bit more obvious), and two, make her an organic, or even a cyborg at the very least. Anna can remain an android, as she's supposedly a civilian, but Elsa would need to be organic if there's any chance of Nebula allowing her to take his place.

Oh, speaking of Anna, why exactly was she on Star Command unescorted? Civilians shouldn't be allowed on a high security command base, especially one with as much sensitive information as Star Command has, without an escort. At all.

I don't really have as many problems with Chapter 1 as I do the prologue, mainly the romance, which I've already mentioned. There are still a couple things, though; Ty getting up onto the stage in the middle of a performance, for example. Unless the play specifically intended for that kind of interaction with the audience, I honestly doubt the security that place has would allow him to do that. Also, how does Ty know what kind of dance Anna was doing and how to dance along with her? I can't really see him having the time to learn ballet, and even if he was, I highly doubt he'd be that good, since professional ballet dancers spend most of their days practicing, and, again, Ty doesn't have the time to do that, what with being a Space Ranger and all.

Finally, NOS's appearance has me wondering, is this story taking place before or after Revenge of the Monsters? If after, do you plan on addressing how NOS survived that explosion? As for NOS being Anna's father...I'll be honest here, I'm kinda leery about that, but I'll reserve my judgement until I read more chapters.

I hope I wasn't too harsh with this review. It's not my intention to insult you or hurt your feelings; I see that you have a capacity for improving, and I want to help you with that.
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Re: The Forgotten Swan

Post by TYANDANNA126 on Tue Aug 26, 2014 6:52 am

Senior Doctor Thalassi wrote:Alright, I'm going to start this whole shebang off by admitting that I have never heard of "Princess Tutu" before now, so that will be coloring my review of this.

First off, the overall grammar and pacing; the biggest thing I see is the need for more paragraphs. You have a good start by starting a new paragraph with each new scene, but it's not quite enough. The rule here is that you should start a new paragraph every time the focus shifts from one character to another, for example, every time a different character speaks in dialogue. So, using an excerpt from the prologue:
They stopped and stood there before she spoke, "Hello..." "Hi," Ty smiled nervously, unsure what to do. "I'm Anna and you are?," she giggles, he smiled, "I'm Ty."

It should instead look like this:
They stopped and stood there before she spoke, "Hello..."

"Hi," Ty smiled nervously, unsure what to do.

"I'm Anna and you are?," she giggles.

He smiled, "I'm Ty."

As you might be able to see here, the purpose of this rule is to prevent text from getting crammed together, thus making it easier for the reader to keep up and not lose their place or get confused about who's doing/saying what.

As for the pacing, I feel like you should probably slow it down, especially the romance. Your prologue reads more like a proper first chapter, for example, with everything that's going on in it. And the romance...I don't know, kissing someone you just met a few days ago seems way too fast for me, especially if it's supposed to be actual love and not just attraction (if it is still just attraction at this point, though, I'll be curious to see how you develop this).

Now for the rest of this review, I'll be going into a bit more detail and focusing on each chapter.

For the prologue, Nebula's announcement as a whole just bugs me, for two reasons. First of all, that's...not exactly how things work in a military structure. Generally, in order to be eligible for commanding a unit or base of any size, you need to be a member of the organization that unit/base is a part of (in this case, the Space Ranger Corps) and be of a high enough rank. Nebula isn't just in charge of Star Command, he's in charge of the entire corps; for Elsa to be able to take his place, she'd need to be a Space Ranger with a very high rank, and to have the necessary rank, she'd need to have been a Space Ranger for a pretty long time--which, with her being an android, would contradict with the canon of XR being the first robot ranger.

Which leads to the second thing that bugs me about this, Elsa being an android and Nebula being nonchalant about it. It's stated time and again in the show that Nebula does NOT like robots. Sure, there's XR, but he's the exception to the rule, and even then, any shows of affection Nebula has for him are rare. So the chances of Nebula allowing a robot to take control of the Space Rangers is...honestly, slim to none.

If you want Elsa to be able to take Nebula's place, there are two things I would suggest. One, make her a Space Ranger (or, if she already is a Space Ranger, make it a bit more obvious), and two, make her an organic, or even a cyborg at the very least. Anna can remain an android, as she's supposedly a civilian, but Elsa would need to be organic if there's any chance of Nebula allowing her to take his place.

Oh, speaking of Anna, why exactly was she on Star Command unescorted? Civilians shouldn't be allowed on a high security command base, especially one with as much sensitive information as Star Command has, without an escort. At all.

I don't really have as many problems with Chapter 1 as I do the prologue, mainly the romance, which I've already mentioned. There are still a couple things, though; Ty getting up onto the stage in the middle of a performance, for example. Unless the play specifically intended for that kind of interaction with the audience, I honestly doubt the security that place has would allow him to do that. Also, how does Ty know what kind of dance Anna was doing and how to dance along with her? I can't really see him having the time to learn ballet, and even if he was, I highly doubt he'd be that good, since professional ballet dancers spend most of their days practicing, and, again, Ty doesn't have the time to do that, what with being a Space Ranger and all.

Finally, NOS's appearance has me wondering, is this story taking place before or after Revenge of the Monsters? If after, do you plan on addressing how NOS survived that explosion? As for NOS being Anna's father...I'll be honest here, I'm kinda leery about that, but I'll reserve my judgement until I read more chapters.

I hope I wasn't too harsh with this review. It's not my intention to insult you or hurt your feelings; I see that you have a capacity for improving, and I want to help you with that.
It's ok. I'm still learning but writing isn't exactly my strong suit. Art is though so I'm fine with this. I'm not insulted at all, hurt a little but not insulted. I could use some help. Oh! And about Nos-4-a2, this is way after "Revenge of the Monsters" my apologies for not updating. Elsa is actually a space ranger with a higher rank, as for Anna, she mostly escorted by Elsa most of the time but she sneaks off a lot. Again my apologies for not saying so.


Last edited by tyandanna126 on Wed Aug 27, 2014 7:19 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: The Forgotten Swan

Post by Fox Storm on Tue Aug 26, 2014 11:08 am

Hey, life happens, so no worries about updating. Although how NOS boy was able to survive that explosion is something I'm curious about myself...

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Re: The Forgotten Swan

Post by TYANDANNA126 on Wed Aug 27, 2014 7:19 am

Fox Storm wrote:Hey, life happens, so no worries about updating. Although how NOS boy was able to survive that explosion is something I'm curious about myself...
The updates will be slow so my apologies. No

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Re: The Forgotten Swan

Post by TYANDANNA126 on Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:58 am

Will probably update next week

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