We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

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We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Sun Nov 06, 2011 10:57 pm

Title: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were
Author: Cartoonhottie2009
Fandom: Buzz Lightyear of Star Command
Character(s) / Pairing(s): Begining has Buzz and an OC, the latters have a mix of characters.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: Varying.
Warning(s): Some light swearing and emotional stuff in later chapters, but nothing too hardcore.
Disclaimer: Buzz Lightyear and characters belong to Pixar and Disney. My Ocs' are belonging to my imagination.
Summary: A sort of AU story with my Oc. A heart warming journey on the hard lessons of growing up and coming to terms on Life.

CHAPTERS

The Way It Was
Teenage Wasteland, Pt. 1
Teenage Wasteland, Pt. 2
Teenage Wasteland, Pt. 3
Teenage Wasteland, Pt. 4
Criminating Caring, Pt. 1
Criminating Caring, Pt. 2
Criminating Caring, Pt. 3
Criminating Caring, Pt. 4
Criminating Caring, Pt. 5

I don't know if Original Characters are acceptible, I couldn't find anything to say other wise. I promise to take it down if there are. Please don't ban me!


Last edited by Steel on Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:29 am; edited 6 times in total (Reason for editing : New Chapters!)
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Olivus Prime on Mon Nov 07, 2011 9:13 am

Wow... pretty emotional stuff! It'll be great to see how this story plays out. Not using the character names really makes this opening that more serious and engaging. Welcome to the site, by the way!

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We Can Never Return To The Way We Were chpt 2

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Mon Nov 07, 2011 12:11 pm

Teenage Wasteland part 1

It wasn't like she hated her father with every fiber of her being, she had pleasant childhood memories of him fussing over her when she was sick, piggyback and pony rides when she wanted to be a cowgirl space ranger, and him re-reading the same story for the six hundredth time as she fell asleep. But that was when she was a child, she was suppose to be daddy's little princess. She was now a young woman, a blossoming flower. She had to leave such childish things behind.

"Jillian Andrea Isabelle Lightyear!" She cringed at her old lady like middle name. "You'd better get a move on or you'll be MIA!" Giving her messy brown hair a quick brushing, and throwing on a pair of well worn jeans under her baggy tee, Jill took the stairs two at a time before tripping on the last one and crashed into a well muscular man at the bottom of the stairs. Rubbing his purple capped head, he glared at the young girl before him sternly. Grabbing her hand and helping her up, he crossed his arms as she dusted herself off. "Young lady, what have I told you about stomping down the stairs like a herd of Jo-ad moozels?" Buzz Lance Lightyear was a fair man, believing in justice for all and procedure. But when rules were broken, he stood strong until rightful punishment was set upon. Jill grabbed a slice of toast and wolfed it down before kissing him on the cheek.

"Sorry Dad, I'll be late. Can I get a rain-check on the stairs lecture, okay?" She said grabbing her backpack and bolted for the door. She gave a surprised yelp as a strong hand clamped down on her shoulder and pulled her back. "Dad!"

"No, no 'rain-check'. You know better than to stomp down those stairs like that. You could have seriously hurt yourself." She was going to be late if this kept up. Putting on her best sorrowful face, she looked at her father sweetly.

"I'm sorry dad, you're right. I'll be sure to go down the stairs much more carefully from now on. I've could have seriously hurt myself, or broken something." Buzz smiled at his daughter and patted her head, unknowingly causing her to scream inwardly. Quickly making her way to her bike, she waved at their neighbor, Mr. Hayman. She was about to unlock it when her father yelled out to her.

"Don't worry, Sweetie pop! Daddy will drive you to school!" Her heart stopped after hearing those words. He walked out and put his suit in the back seat of the hover car before waving her over. She had no choice; if she did biked she'd be late for the third time and would get detention. Groaning, she plopped into the passenger seat. Buckling in, Buzz smiled and ruffled her hair sweetly before pulling out.

=[+]=[+]=

Whistling a happy tune as he drove towards Jill's school, Buzz didn't notice the dark aura next to him. Jill was quickly trying to devise a plan on how to escape the upcoming doom that would soon befall her, when her father called her back to reality.

"This takes me back to when you were a baby." Oh. My. God. No. "I'd drive along and you would giggle and coo to the radio. And when we would get to stop lights I'd make faces at you, causing you to laugh your cute little head off. And once you-"

"You can drop me off here, dad." She said quickly, pointing to a sidewalk that was 5 feet from the school, cutting off the beginning of an embarrassing baby story. Buzz blinked in confusion but did so. Giving him a quick kiss, she jumped out and ran towards the front steps of the school. Smiling as she began to enter, a familiar voice reached her ears.

"Bye muffin! I love you!" she froze as her father's cheery voice echoed through the school yard. Turning, she saw that he was parked right in front of the student drop-off pathway. Waving bye, he drove off as other students looked on in bewilderment. Oh god, oh god, they'll know, they'll totally know he's-

"Whose loser dad was that?" One boy quipped after the shock wore off. Jill smiled a bit. They didn't see him, she was still safe…

"Don't know, but if he was mine I'd move to an abandon asteroid as soon as possible." She casually said causing a few kids to laugh in agreement. Walking through the doors, she smiled inward, pleased at her successful acting. Flopping into her seat she prepared for the day before her.

=[+]=[+]=

"Hey, hey Lightyear. I was beginning to think you'd never show up." A blue man joked as Buzz fell into his chair. Breathing out a sigh of relief as he sat back, he smiled at his partner.

"I had to drop Jillie off at school this morning." He said looking at his desk, photos of Jill at different ages scattered across it. Turning his computer on, he continued to talk to his partner as he began to work. "So Warp, what's on the agenda for today?" Warp sighed as he flopped into his chair.

"Nothing but paperwork. I tell yah, I hate the routine desk duty policy." He grumbled as he typed his password in before working on the mountain of forms he had. Buzz smiled as he checked his e-mail for any reports he may need to sign. Going through them, he stopped at one that had an address he hadn't seen in a while.

"Huh, I got an e-mail from Jill's school." He said clicking on it and reading the context. "It says that want me to come in for her career day…today!" Warp looked at him puzzled.

"Her career day?" Buzz nodded as he quickly scribbled something down.

"each student has a day in which their parent and/or guardian comes in and tells about what they do, so that way the kids have a better idea for their future plans." Sending the note threw the tube, he received a response seconds later. "Great! Commander Nebula is letting me have the morning off to go!" He said reading the note and getting up. "I'll go and pick up a burger at Cosmo's that way I can work threw lunch, and finish these reports before the end of our shift." Walking to the door, he waved good bye to his partner before disappearing behind the doors, leaving Warp to his paperwork.
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We Can Never Return To The Way We Were chpt 3

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Wed Nov 09, 2011 12:39 am

I'd really like some feedback on this, so it doesn't sound too sucky.

Teenage Wasteland part 2

It was a normal morning in classroom 402 of Gamma junior high. Pre-teens of each and every planet in the Galactic Alliance giggled and gossiped amongst each other before the bell rang, when a teal bat like woman walked in. Clapping her hands to get the children's attention she sighed as they continued to talk to their friends about the latest trends or if they saw what happen on TV last night, meaning this called for drastic measures. Taking a deep breath, she opened her mouth and let out a loud sonic blast, either knocking children to the ground or throwing them up against the back wall of the room. Scrambling to their desks after regaining their scenes, the kids smiled sweetly at the woman.

"Good morning Mrs. Vexus." The class said in synced. Smiling sweetly, she started to write on the blackboard.

"Good morning class, now that I have your attention, let's get to today's schedule. We'll start with Jillian's career day guest." Mrs. Vexus said writing out the words 'Career Guest' in big white letters. She froze when a soft cough was heard, and turn her head to see that said student's hand was up. "Something wrong Jillian?"

"Um, my dad couldn't come. He's really busy with work." Jill said bashfully. Mrs. Vexus looked at her sadly.

"Oh…I'm sorry to hear that. Well I guess these things can't be helped." The Chiropteran like woman said before patting Jill on the back and smiling sweetly at her. "We'll just take attendance and have silent read then." Walking back to her desk, she sat down, pulled out a folder containing the attendance sheet and began to read off the names.Unbenounced to the rest of the class, who where whispering about Jill's always absent parents, she was celebrating in her mind. She had avoided two situations in which her parentage would have been reviled. Snapping back into reality, she noticed her name was coming up on the roll call. "Hammerhold?" Mrs. Vexus called before a raven haired grasshopper like girl raised her hand. "Lepton?" A blond girl with deep blue eyes smiled and raised her hand. "Liteyear?" Jill was about to raise her hand when a loud knocking was heard from outside the door. Getting up, the young teacher walked out of the class as a tardy boy dashed in. Panting the boy smiled broadly.

"Buzz Lightyear is outside!" As soon as this left his lips, all the kids gasped and gleefully whispered in excitement…well almost all the kids. Jill was pure white as she began to shake. How? How did he find out? She shredded all the notes, deleted all the e-mails, and never passed on the phone calls. Bonnie Lepton, the blonde blue eyed girl and one of Jill's closes friends in school, squealed in delight.

"Oh. Mai. Gawd! Buzz Lightyear! I've seen him at Star Command when my dad takes me to work with him!" Petra Hammerhold, the grasshopper like girl and daughter of Senator Hammerhold, blew a lock of hair from her face as she sighed.

"Down girl," She joked "Don't make Jill and me duct tape you to your seat. Right Jill?" Pausing for a bit for a response, she looked to her friend when no response came. "Uh, Jill?" Both girls panicked as their friend was white as a sheet and gasping for air as the teacher reentered. Clapping her hands, she quickly got the kids' attention as she smiled.

"Class, settle down. Today we have a very special career day guest." Jill sank in her seat as her father walked proudly in. "The Buzz Lightyear!" Smiling, he stood at the front of the class.

"Hello there, kids! I'm Buzz Lightyear. And as you know, I'm a space ranger." A boy in the front row raised his hand. "Yes, you there in the front."

"Mr. Lightyear? Why did you come to our class?" Buzz looked at him oddly.

"Because I received an email telling me that today is Jill's turn at career day." The room went silent as all eyes fell on said girl. Praying for an asteroid would strike her where she sat; she felt their questioning eyes befall onto her. "There she is! Hi Sweetie Pie!" Jill whimpered as his view locked onto her. The boy who had started all this, looked at him in shock.

"Jill Liteyear, is your daughter?" What was wrong with these kids?

"Of course she is! She's my lil' space cadet!" Buzz said as he walked up next to her before he knelt down and gave her a hug. Blushing like mad, she remained quiet all threw out his speech about what it was like to be a space ranger, eyes glued to her desk. After what felt like an eternity of humiliation, it was finally over. The bell rang and after giving Jill a kiss on the head, he saluted the students then left. As the students gathered their things and left for their next classes, Jill was bombarded with questions.

"What's it like to have THE Buzz Lightyear as a dad?"

"Do you get to go to Star Command and play with the LGM?"

"Have you ever gone on a mission with him?"

"Did he really save an entire planet with a broken jetpack and a half charged laser?"

"How come you've never said anything about being his daughter?" Slamming her books down angrily, Jill glared at them.

"It blows because people expect you to be like him, yes I do but only when he's super busy, no I haven't, yes he did, and because crater headed dorkwads like you bother me with stupid, annoying, obvious questions. OKAY?" The kids nodded slowly and stood back as she stormed out of the classroom. After getting as far away as possible, she hid under the stairwell leading up to the second floor, and cried. Why did he have to come here? Why did he always have to ruin everything? She had it great up until now, she had fooled everyone by coming up with a new last name, told everyone her parents were super busy and couldn't come to events. She was treated like everyone else, no special treatment, and no annoying questions, no anything. But now the truth was out, she was the daughter of the galaxy's greatest hero. And just like in elementary school she'd get annoying questions, odd looks, and picked on relentlessly. For the rest of her study hall period she remained there, crying until the bell rang for math. Collecting herself, she cleared her face free of tears and went to her next class.
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We Can Never Return To The Way We Were chpt 4

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:02 pm

Teenage Waste Land pt.3

It was 3:30 at Gamma junior high. The last bell had ringed and the school yard was filled with students of different races and species either boarding school shuttles, or getting into their parents' car. Humming a merry tune as he drove, Buzz pulled up to the school's front driveway. Before he could even put the car in park, Jill hopped into the passenger seat and buckled up.

"Hi-dad-gotta-lotta-homework, so-can-we-go-now?" She jumbled out in haste. He just blinked and looked at her confused.

"Oh, yeah, okay." Pulling out, he noticed that she breathed out a sigh of relief before sinking back into her seat and looked out her window with a morose look on her face. "Something wrong, my little Butter Bean?"

"No." She hissed coldly, replacing the gloomy look with a scowl.

"Oh, well, did anything interesting happen in school after I left?" Buzz asked smiling. Grinding her teeth together, she growled darkly.

"No." Smiling he ruffled her hair.

"Oh…I think something is wrong with my lil Pumpkin Lumpkin, why don't you just tell daddy what's-"

"YOU!" She screamed, almost causing him to swerve off the road. "It's you! Why did you have to come to my class today?" Looking confused, he nodded.

"Well…yeah. I got an email at work telling me that it was your turn for career day and-"

"I had it great! I convinced everyone that my last name was spelt L-I-T-E! That I was in no way related to you!" She yelled, causing Buzz to glare at her angrily.

"Jillian Andrea Isabelle Lightyear! Is that why everyone was so surprised? Young lady, why would you lie about-?"

"Because I was so sick of it! I was so sick of how people treated me!" Pausing he looked at her, her face scrunched up in an upsetting matter. "I was so sick of being asked the same questions about you over and over. So sick of people having such high expectations of me, but quickly disappointing them when I failed at something you're good at. I was just so sick of no one asking me what I like, or what I want to do…" She tilted her head down and started to cry. The rest of the ride was quiet, saved for Jill's hiccups and sobs. Pulling into the garage, both father and daughter sat in awkward silence before she got out and went inside to do her homework, leaving Buzz to sigh in frustration.

/~{+}~\

Working at his desk in his home office, Buzz glanced over his shoulder to look into the family room through the open door to check on his daughter. Jill was happily playing with a toy piano, randomly slapping different keys and laughing at the sound they made. Smiling, he returned to work, listening to the sound of the keys and her giggling. After a while, he noticed that it had become suspiciously quiet. Quickly turning around he saw that Jill had pulled herself up with the help of the coffee table and was now standing up on her own. Holding his breath, Buzz watched as she turned her attention towards him and slowly wobbled to him. Sliding out of his chair he got down on his knees as she neared him. Holding his arms out the toddler finally reached him and collapsed onto his lap. Panting a bit, she tried to get back up but was scooped up by her father's strong arms and hugged close to his chest.

"Look at what you did!" He gleefully said. "You stood up all by yourself! And look how far you walked!" Smiling, he turned his head. "Ozma! Come-" he stopped as his smile faded a bit. "Oh right…I forgot…" Gently tickling his daughter's feet, he smiled sadly as she laughed. It was at times like these he wished she was there to witness their daughter's growth and firsts. The toddler saw how upset her father was and hugged him around the neck in hopes of making him feel better. This got him to smile warmly at her, but a cold feeling of depression swept his heart.


/~{+}~\

Buzz sighed as he looked through the album before him. Staring at the photos before him, he gently traced a finger over a picture of him giving Jill a piggy back ride; he smiled as he thought back. Her sweet little face greeting him when he awoke, her terrified whimpers when her nightlight died, her bubbly laughter when he gave her, her favorite rubber duckie when she got her baths, but the one thing he never forgot was the look of idolize and admiration when he'd tell her about his past missions. What had he done to make that starry eyed look disappear? What had happen to his sweet baby girl that wouldn't sleep unless he kissed her goodnight? Or wouldn't eat unless he played the star cruiser spoon game? Gently closing the cloth bound book, he got up and walked towards Jill's room. Opening the door a smidge, he peaked in. Finished worksheets were spread out on her desk as she was asleep in her chair. Picking her up, he gingerly put her in her bed and kissed her head as he tucked her in. Tiptoeing carefully threw the mess of the preteen's room; he slowly closed her door behind him before heading to his room and getting into bed.

=[+]=[+]=

The next morning, Buzz was at the breakfast table, reading his paper and drinking coffee from his #1 dad mug. He lowered his paper a bit as Jill came down the stairs, one at a time. Grabbing an apple, she looked at him.

"I'm going to school now." Pausing a bit as he looked at her sadly, she sighed. "Love you dad." She said before leaving him alone. He sighed as he watched her go. Taking a bite out of the apple, she unhooked her bike and rode off to school. Unaware of what her actions had affected her future.
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We Can Never Return To The Way We Were chpt 5

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Thu Nov 10, 2011 10:39 pm

Teenage Wasteland part 4

"And then she said it was me! That she was sick of the 'Special Treatment' she was receiving." Buzz said as he depressingly told Warp of the actions that had transpired the night before. After finishing their routine desk duties, the two were back on star cruiser 42 and on patrol. "Don't kids like it when their parents are famous?" His partner shook his head and sighed.

"You're missing the point. She just wants to show people that she's her own person. But no one can when they expect her to be just like you." Pausing he looked at Buzz. "And it probably doesn't help that you're treating her like a child and showing off her baby photos that you keep in your wallet." He glared at Warp.

"Hey! Those are adorable sweet memories." Raising an eyebrow at him, Warp shook his head.

"No, their embarrassing. And it doesn't help that you're showing them off every chance you get." He added, reminding him of every water cooler gathering. Raising a finger and opening his mouth to disagree, Buzz stopped and slowly let the words sink in. Warp smirked. "You're realizing I'm right, aren't you?" Glaring at him angrily, Buzz went back to piloting.

"Let's…just get back to patrolling."

/~{+}~\

"What about Glinda?" Looking up, Buzz turned his attention from the crib's instruction manual to his wife, who was looking threw a 1000001 baby names book.

"Ozma, we are not naming our baby after the good witch in the Wizard of Oz, I mean, who names their kids after story book characters? That's just ridicules." Pausing as her face donned a death glare, he chuckled nervously. "But you and your sister Dorothy's names suit you perfectly." Sighing, she closed the book and rubbed her swollen belly.

"No, no you're right. This baby deserves a unique name. She needs a name that will fit her perfectly." Standing up, he glared at her.

"Whoa there, who says it'll be a girl? It's too early to tell." Smiling, Ozma looked at him slyly.

"Because I've been craving sweet things, my stomach is riding high, and because I say so." Buzz looked at her unimpressed but she just smiled at him sweetly. Sighing, he returned to assembling the crib.

"All I'm saying is it's too early to make assumptions. We need to plan for either possibility." He gave a sharp yelp as he pinched his finger into a slot as he tried to jam a bar into it. Shaking her head, she smiled as she walked over and took the screw driver from his hand. Watching in amazement, it only took her two minutes to put the crib all together, where as he was struggling with it for an hour.

"Whatever you say, Rocket jockey." She smirked coyly as he huffed and pouted as she handed him the screwdriver back.

/~{+}~\

"Jillian Lightyear?" Mrs. Vexus said as she handed a test back to her. Looking at the grade, she smiled as a big red A+ proudly looked back at her. But her smile faded as a boy next to her also saw it.

"Wow, guess being Buzz Lightyear's daughter really does pay off." Glaring at him, she crumpled the paper between her clenched fists.

"I earned this grade. I stood up half the night studying for this test. Unlike you, I didn't cram at the last second before class." She snapped coldly, causing the boy to shake. "Got it?" He slowly nodded yes as she turned around and shoved her test into her backpack. This had been the fifth snide remark about her dad today. And it was only first period. Sighing she took her book out for class and skimmed it as the day trudged on.

=[+]=[+]=

Parking her bike inside the garage, Jill gave a half hearted wave to Mr. Hayman as she walked in the steps to the house. Opening the door, she jumped a bit as Buzz was standing in the living room, arms crossed and a stern look on his face.

"Dad? What are you doing home so-"

"Jillian, we need to talk." Looking at him puzzling, she pointed to her bag.

"But, I've got homework to-"

"Park it, Jillian Andrea Isabelle Lightyear!" He barked, pointing to the couch. Quickly doing so, she donned a deer in the headlights look. He never raised his voice at her, even when she really deserves it. Walking over he sat down next to her and placed his hands together. "Honey Bear, I know how hard it is to be in school. Peer pressure, homework, trying to be you, making friends…hormones," He coughed a bit uncomfortably at the last part as Jill moaned and hid her face in her hands. "But I know how harder it would have been if Nana Lightyear was famous and no one saw past that when they looked at me." Putting a finger under her chin, he lifted her face so that she would be looking him eye to eye. "I'm sorry that I didn't pay attention to your problem. But I wish you'd talk to me when you're having troubles. You mean so much to me, you're all I have left of your mother, and I love you with all my heart." She looked at him sadly before hugging him tightly. Buzz was taken aback, but returned the hug with one arm and rubbing her head with the other. Hiccupping she buried her face into his chest.

"I love you too dad, but it's just so frustrating when people expect so much out of me when they find out who you are." She whimpered as he rubbed her back soothingly. "And when I do try to tell you, you make me feel like a little kid by calling me by my old baby nicknames." Nuzzling her hair he held her close.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but I still see you as my lil girl who'd play in the mud in nothing but her birthday suit." He chuckled nervously as she glared at him, a blush covering her face. "But I do promise to start treating you like the young woman you're becoming." Smiling, she hugged him tighter as he looked behind her at a photo of her mother. Holding her closer to him, he looked longingly at the woman smiling back at him. As he held his daughter close to his heart, one thought came to mind. 'Would this still happen, if you were here?'
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Link to the rest of the story

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Fri Nov 11, 2011 3:30 pm

I decided to post the link to the fanfiction version of the story to save time. Comment if you like, or if you have suggestions

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6720149/1/We_Can_Never_Return_To_The_Way_We_Were
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Steel on Mon Nov 14, 2011 7:23 am

Wow, I barely get the chance to turn around when there's an entire fic laid out before me! Welcome to the site, and of course OCs are okay! Everything's okay on this site--it's why EEZ and made it! All righty then, let's see what this fic is about... *puts glasses on* Oh, before we start, I took the liberty of adding links in your first post to the chapters you've got up so people can access the chapters you've spaced out in this thread more easily. I also de-centred things to make for easier reading. Let's see... I'll comment on what you've got up in this thread so far, and leave the rest of the fic you've linked for another post~ And now, feedback time!

The Way It Was
I'm liking what I see so far! You might want to check some tenses and spelling, like "lange". I think you mean "language" here, right? But otherwise, I like this as an introduction, and you've got their backgrounds thought up fairly well. I don't know why, but I really like this part: "Clothes and cradles, highchairs and how to books where bought. Everything was planned to the last detail until the big day finally came." Maybe it's the mental image of them buying so much stuff for the coming baby, but it made me go "d'awww". And then all the bad stuff happened! D: Poor Buzz! Poor baby! But damn, I'm curious to know what happens next now. No one ever really writes about Ozma besides a couple of people like EEZ, and hey, even though she died, you get massive cookie points for including her, so have some cookie points! *hands them out*

Teenage Wasteland, Part 1
My first suggestion would be to separate paragraphs a bit more. I think that dialogue and action should be separated as to void any confusion. And gosh, I just realised that Buzz is probably nearing fifty now! Damn... And ohoho, rain check! I giggled at that line. xD Durr, Buzz, you are so overbearing! I like climbing steps by two. Downing them is... okay, a wee bit more dangerous, but chillax, man! Ohoho, Jillian working the old charm. Excellent! And uh-oh, every teenager's living nightmare is to have their very famous parent drive them to school. Oh, and I loved the brief mention of Mr. Hayman there too! What's up with Buzz constantly ruffling her hair...? *gets a Simba "Ma, you're messing up my mane!" flashback*

All those pet names... I'd be cringing too! And phew, close call! Don't want people to know who your dad is, right? Mmm, I see Warp! I am intrigued; when did he turn good again? I can't wait to read more--ohhh, boy, career day! Not good, not good at all! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!

Oh, and another typo. No worries, nothing big! "Threw" should be "through". Other than the few small typos and whatnot here and there, I'm really enjoying this and curious to read on. Like, what's up with the world now? Is Zurg still around or is everything relatively peaceful? Or... did Buzz do a real boo-boo in the line of work at some point so his name has been tarnished?! See, I'm already making up scenarios. I must stop!

Teenage Wasteland, Part 2
I giggled at Mrs. Vexus using a sonic blast to get their attention. Who needs to shout when you can just use one chirp, eh? And FFFFF, staring with Jillian's dad, NOWAI. Oh, boy... this can only end badly. *cringe* Oh, so her last name is misspelled? I still think that if it's pronounced the same the people would have connected the dots by now... OH NO, HE'S OUTSIDE.

Oh... wait a minute. Bonnie and Petra are still school-aged? I thought when I read their last names that it'd be their children too, not themselves... unless this is an AU of sorts. I just figure that after more than a decade, they'd be old and possibly married too. Huh... oh wait, Jill'd better not be having a panic attack! Those are nasty...

Oho, I get the feeling the teacher already new, didn't she? xD And ow, ow, ow. Ouch. Awww, poor kid. D: She needs a hug!

Teenage Wasteland, Part 3
Weoweoweo. We're going from bad to worse. D: Poor Jill! And poor Buzz too. Even though all those pet names are freaking paaaaaainful. It must be a bummer to hear something like that from your kid.

Ohhh, the flashback! How sad. D: I'm getting teary-eyed, dammit!

THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IS SAD FOR THEM BOTH.

Teenage Wasteland, Part 4
Ah, Warp, the voice of reason! I'm surprised he;s more sensible, but I can actually see him understanding where Jill is coming from better than Buzz. All those pet names and photo showing-offs have got to stop! Or at least decrease significantly. xD

A flashback with Ozma! Yay! And I was about to say, how do they know about the Wizard of Oz, but then I snickered when you mentioned Ozma's sister was named Dorothy. I like the idea of that for some reason, hahaha. But yeah, just not sure on how much the BLoSCverse should blend with our literature and culture and stuff, but that's just me. And oh god, I love how Ozma just puts up the crib in like two minutes, ahahaha! Oh god, that was great. I laughed so hard at that, heeee. xD

Not sure whether the boy would be shaking at Jill snapping at him, but damn, I'd be hella pissed if people thought my good grades were from my famous dad too! Poor girl can't catch a break! How old is she anyway?

Aww, but the ending to this chapter was great, really sweet! I hope this promises nothing but good things in the future! :3 But knowing how kids at school can be... hoboy.

———

Okay. So, as for constructive criticism so far, all I've gotta say is the occasional spelling mistakes and tense errors. And maybe space out the paragraphs a bit when dialogue is involved. Oh, and you don't have to centre text! It's much easier for people if it's all aligned to the left so it reads like actual book text~

Other observations are the age differences (depending on this being set in the future, Petra and Bonnie would both be too old to be in school) unless this is an AU of sorts, and to try to avoid some culture references, seeing as the BLoSCverse is different from ours, so on and so forth. And that's pretty much it! I haven't read the rest yet but I'm surprisingly liking this a lot so far!

I was also writing the comments as I read, so yeah, you're getting the reactions I had while reading it. I don't normally do that, but figured it wouldn't hurt to do so here. xD

Can't wait to read more, and welcome to the site! I hope you have fun here in interacting with the rest of us too~!
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Fox Storm on Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:12 am

Pretty much what Steel and Olivus Prime said. I like how you've wrote the first chapter without introducing the characters' names until the end. I thought that was a nice touch.

For the most part, it looks good. Other than typos and spelling mistakes here and there, and for the age differences of Bonnie and Petra in the story since they would be old enough to have their kids if Buzz has had a kid already (unless this is an AU), this looks good! Keep it up, and welcome to the site. Smile

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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Mon Nov 14, 2011 1:56 pm

Steel wrote:Wow, I barely get the chance to turn around when there's an entire fic laid out before me! Welcome to the site, and of course OCs are okay! Everything's okay on this site--it's why EEZ and made it! All righty then, let's see what this fic is about... *puts glasses on* Oh, before we start, I took the liberty of adding links in your first post to the chapters you've got up so people can access the chapters you've spaced out in this thread more easily. I also de-centred things to make for easier reading. Let's see... I'll comment on what you've got up in this thread so far, and leave the rest of the fic you've linked for another post~ And now, feedback time!

The Way It Was
I'm liking what I see so far! You might want to check some tenses and spelling, like "lange". I think you mean "language" here, right? But otherwise, I like this as an introduction, and you've got their backgrounds thought up fairly well. I don't know why, but I really like this part: "Clothes and cradles, highchairs and how to books where bought. Everything was planned to the last detail until the big day finally came." Maybe it's the mental image of them buying so much stuff for the coming baby, but it made me go "d'awww". And then all the bad stuff happened! D: Poor Buzz! Poor baby! But damn, I'm curious to know what happens next now. No one ever really writes about Ozma besides a couple of people like EEZ, and hey, even though she died, you get massive cookie points for including her, so have some cookie points! *hands them out*

Teenage Wasteland, Part 1
My first suggestion would be to separate paragraphs a bit more. I think that dialogue and action should be separated as to void any confusion. And gosh, I just realised that Buzz is probably nearing fifty now! Damn... And ohoho, rain check! I giggled at that line. xD Durr, Buzz, you are so overbearing! I like climbing steps by two. Downing them is... okay, a wee bit more dangerous, but chillax, man! Ohoho, Jillian working the old charm. Excellent! And uh-oh, every teenager's living nightmare is to have their very famous parent drive them to school. Oh, and I loved the brief mention of Mr. Hayman there too! What's up with Buzz constantly ruffling her hair...? *gets a Simba "Ma, you're messing up my mane!" flashback*

All those pet names... I'd be cringing too! And phew, close call! Don't want people to know who your dad is, right? Mmm, I see Warp! I am intrigued; when did he turn good again? I can't wait to read more--ohhh, boy, career day! Not good, not good at all! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!

Oh, and another typo. No worries, nothing big! "Threw" should be "through". Other than the few small typos and whatnot here and there, I'm really enjoying this and curious to read on. Like, what's up with the world now? Is Zurg still around or is everything relatively peaceful? Or... did Buzz do a real boo-boo in the line of work at some point so his name has been tarnished?! See, I'm already making up scenarios. I must stop!

Teenage Wasteland, Part 2
I giggled at Mrs. Vexus using a sonic blast to get their attention. Who needs to shout when you can just use one chirp, eh? And FFFFF, staring with Jillian's dad, NOWAI. Oh, boy... this can only end badly. *cringe* Oh, so her last name is misspelled? I still think that if it's pronounced the same the people would have connected the dots by now... OH NO, HE'S OUTSIDE.

Oh... wait a minute. Bonnie and Petra are still school-aged? I thought when I read their last names that it'd be their children too, not themselves... unless this is an AU of sorts. I just figure that after more than a decade, they'd be old and possibly married too. Huh... oh wait, Jill'd better not be having a panic attack! Those are nasty...

Oho, I get the feeling the teacher already new, didn't she? xD And ow, ow, ow. Ouch. Awww, poor kid. D: She needs a hug!

Teenage Wasteland, Part 3
Weoweoweo. We're going from bad to worse. D: Poor Jill! And poor Buzz too. Even though all those pet names are freaking paaaaaainful. It must be a bummer to hear something like that from your kid.

Ohhh, the flashback! How sad. D: I'm getting teary-eyed, dammit!

THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IS SAD FOR THEM BOTH.

Teenage Wasteland, Part 4
Ah, Warp, the voice of reason! I'm surprised he;s more sensible, but I can actually see him understanding where Jill is coming from better than Buzz. All those pet names and photo showing-offs have got to stop! Or at least decrease significantly. xD

A flashback with Ozma! Yay! And I was about to say, how do they know about the Wizard of Oz, but then I snickered when you mentioned Ozma's sister was named Dorothy. I like the idea of that for some reason, hahaha. But yeah, just not sure on how much the BLoSCverse should blend with our literature and culture and stuff, but that's just me. And oh god, I love how Ozma just puts up the crib in like two minutes, ahahaha! Oh god, that was great. I laughed so hard at that, heeee. xD

Not sure whether the boy would be shaking at Jill snapping at him, but damn, I'd be hella pissed if people thought my good grades were from my famous dad too! Poor girl can't catch a break! How old is she anyway?

Aww, but the ending to this chapter was great, really sweet! I hope this promises nothing but good things in the future! :3 But knowing how kids at school can be... hoboy.

———

Okay. So, as for constructive criticism so far, all I've gotta say is the occasional spelling mistakes and tense errors. And maybe space out the paragraphs a bit when dialogue is involved. Oh, and you don't have to centre text! It's much easier for people if it's all aligned to the left so it reads like actual book text~

Other observations are the age differences (depending on this being set in the future, Petra and Bonnie would both be too old to be in school) unless this is an AU of sorts, and to try to avoid some culture references, seeing as the BLoSCverse is different from ours, so on and so forth. And that's pretty much it! I haven't read the rest yet but I'm surprisingly liking this a lot so far!

I was also writing the comments as I read, so yeah, you're getting the reactions I had while reading it. I don't normally do that, but figured it wouldn't hurt to do so here. xD

Can't wait to read more, and welcome to the site! I hope you have fun here in interacting with the rest of us too~!
Fox Storm wrote:Pretty much what Steel and Olivus Prime said. I like how you've wrote the first chapter without introducing the characters' names until the end. I thought that was a nice touch.

For the most part, it looks good. Other than typos and spelling mistakes here and there, and for the age differences of Bonnie and Petra in the story since they would be old enough to have their kids if Buzz has had a kid already (unless this is an AU), this looks good! Keep it up, and welcome to the site. Smile

Huh, I thought i did mention that this was an AU story...odd. And thanks for the feedback! Sorry about the spelling mistakes and typos...my bad. Embarassed But I will look out for them in further chapters. Thanks again for the reviews!
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:49 pm

New chapters!

Criminating Caring, Pt. 1
Criminating Caring, Pt. 2
Criminating Caring, Pt. 3
Criminating Caring, Pt. 4
Criminating Caring, Pt. 5
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:56 pm

More New Chapters!

First Day To The Rest Of Disaster, Pt.1
First Day To The Rest Of Disaster, Pt.2
First Day To The Rest Of Disaster, Pt.3
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Ranger-Nova on Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:50 am

I just read your latest chapter - it was very good. I left a review.

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New Chapter!

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:40 am

The newest Chapter is now up on FF.net! I hope you all enjoy it because the next one is the last chapter of this story.
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Ranger-Nova on Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:42 pm

Just read it and left a review for you. Smile

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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:26 am

The final chapter of We can Never Return To The Way We Were is finally up! A Epilogue is soon to follow in a few minutes.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6720149/23/We_Can_Never_Return_To_The_Way_We_Were
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Cartoonhottie2009 on Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:16 am

And now the Epilogue of my story is now up, I hope you'll read and give me a review on what you think. Thanks!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6720149/24/We_Can_Never_Return_To_The_Way_We_Were.
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Re: We Can Never Return To The Way We Were (Alternate Universe)

Post by Ranger-Nova on Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:23 am

Just reviewed it on FF.net - it was awesome.

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